Sometimes, it just takes some acid to clarify things. It isn’t like I do a lot of acid. In fact, this was the first time I took a full dose. I took it while at this amazing event with friends where we were camping in the woods. It was Saturday night and we were getting prepared to watch things burn. I was surrounded by people I trusted and decided this would be a good time to try it. I took it leaving intention open and trusting that I would have the experience I would need to. I was right.
As I was waiting for the acid to kick in, my friend and I decided to go use the facilities and started the very long walk over. As we neared the blue line of the hell known as Porto-potties, I looked to the left and noticed one of my fellow campers was having a hard time with anxiety. He was pacing rapidly and clearly distressed. Anyone who knows me knows what happened next. I went to him and started trying to help him de-escalate…I completely walked away from my friend and the conversation I was having to do so. I started talking him through square breathing, walking around to various points having moments of calm interrupted by the onslaught of anxiety. I was starting to feel panic because I knew the acid would start kicking in. I can’t say when it did honestly
After about 45 minutes of this, he and I had come to a place of understanding. He needed missions and I provided them. He would complete the mission which would help his anxiety and I would wait there for him to return. It sounded good, except I wasn’t there to help him. I was there for my own reasons. I started to get really frustrated because this was my first trip of this kind and I didn’t want it to be a bad trip. I was also aware that at some point, these drugs would kick in and then what? I mean, realistically, they likely already had. So, I gave him a mission to run the circumference of the field 4 times and come back. He agreed to the mission and then asked me to hold all of his stuff. Begrudgingly, I accepted the voice in my head screaming “why does this always happen to me?” At that moment, another person came to me and said “Hi Theresa, would you mind holding onto this for me?” I took it…the voice getting louder, screaming “WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?” My arms getting heavier and filled to the point of feeling awkward.
At that moment, I said to myself “Theresa, look down.” So I did. I then said to myself, “Look at this. This is your life. This is what you do every day. You take on other people’s shit. You carry it around with you and you let it mess with your happiness. You have a choice to make right now. You can choose to carry other people’s shit around, or you can put it down. They made their choices and they are responsible for their consequences. You have a choice to make…you can keep holding onto other peoples’ shit, or you can put it down and go enjoy your trip.” I gave the second person their things back and put the first person’s things down, let someone know what was going on and went off by myself for a bit to watch blades of grass melt into my boots. I enjoyed my trip and changed my life.